I Am Not Disgusting. I Am Not Alone. I Am Redeemed.

Jay Harrison | February 14, 2017


I was 17, and nothing in my life up to that point shocked me as much as this slow and gradual realization: I was gay.

I had always liked boys, but I never knew there was a word or even a category for my specific experiences. I’d grown up in a Christian environment where gay people were dehumanized and called “zombies.” Christians had always given me the impression that it was impossible to struggle with homosexuality and to love Christ at the same time. I was taught to fear people who weren’t straight, and so my own sense of self-worth plummeted when I realized the portrait of homosexuality they painted was actually a mirror I was looking into.

I realized the portrait of homosexuality they painted was a mirror I was looking into.

I felt so disgusted with myself, so isolated from other people, so alone in my struggle, and so guilty in front of God—more guilty than anyone else. If Christians say lusting after my own sex is the worst sin in the world, why should I not just cut out my own eyes and blind myself? Wouldn’t that end the lust? I thought. Didn’t God require all his


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